billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
