I am in a vortex of obligation.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
