omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
