When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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