non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
