last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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