i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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