This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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