im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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