also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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