here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
