my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize