i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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