i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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