If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Randomize
