i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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