I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
