dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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