You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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