i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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