On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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