I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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