the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
