no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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