Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just cropdusted the office
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize