I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
