if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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