this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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