well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
