I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
