we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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