apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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