I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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