2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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