My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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