Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
