We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
