Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
