Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Semen is not good for contacts.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
