worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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