My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
