can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
