its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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