i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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