Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize