we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
