I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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