sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
