I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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