On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
