also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize