I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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