I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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